You made it, mama!
I’m so proud of you!
It’s 4am, quiet and calm as you
slip silently into the future.
No fanfare
No weeping and wailing
Just you and I
in peaceful silence
punctuated by your last ‘Ah-Ah’
gently calling out before expiring.
Was that your farewell to the world of 90 years,
or your excitement at being free to dance with the angels?

Tired of breathing, swallowing, talking, shunning bright lights, noisy interference, chest thumping, throat suctioning, tube-feeding, painful blood-taking;
You shut your eyes, ears, mouth,
disengaging from the world of the living,
willing us to stop all the pointless ways of delaying your home run.

‘Just stay with me, hold my hand, love me into the next life’,
you seem to say
with each uncertain breath,
a little scared to go alone.
We’re here 24/7, mama,
You will not be forsaken on this final stretch, I promise!

Bronchiectasis, heart failure, aspiration pneumonia, low oxygen, high urea, hypercalcemia; bedsores, lung crepitations, arrhythmias;
chest X-rays, MRI scans, saline drip, intake-output;
Augmentin, Calcitonin..
Why do they matter now?

Can’t you see that I only need to hear the voices of grandkids,
feel a familiar soft touch,
soothing words,
calm presence,
to know that I’m safe in this strange room
that’s not my home?

‘I want to go HOME!’
—last strong words you uttered in frustration.
I had promised you could,
once you can swallow
and walk again.
We were hopeful.
Maybe this is not the end yet.

Please mum,
we just need the system to tide us over.
I could not contemplate another fall at home,
another broken forehead,
serum on the bathroom floor,
deep purple bruises on your delicate arms,
another month of fearing we might both fall through the cracks,
another day of feeling I have failed you as a doctor, daughter.
We just need some help here. Please mum, please,
bear with this a little longer, for me? For us?

Receiving the anointing
For the sick
Peace descends
I accept my mission
I will help you go home
A willing midwife
For your soul’s journey

Minutes after
your last breath
Charging into our serenity with the Trinity
Our peace rudely shattered!
A trio of bright blue—
resuscitation trolleys
commanding prompt action!
‘Stand clear!
Ready to shock the patient!’
as your pacemaker ticks away in defiance, softly
confounding best-laid procedures.

I slip away quietly from the frenzy
in growing disbelief.
After our sacred silence moments ago,
the incongruence
was too much to bear.

Virginia is a physician, therapist and mindfulness teacher offering mindful compassion programs and theme retreats to promote well-being and flourishing among professional caregivers in medicine and healthcare.

As a caregiver to her late mum, she seeks balance in the love of poetry, dance, music, beauty, leisurely meals and deep conversations.

Mum was a beauty and a quiet fighter, caring for 3 children as a homemaking single mum, making ends meet for some 20 years. She is best remembered by grandchildren for her healthy delicious Cantonese cooking on a shoestring budget.